


Unconditional

by summerbutterfly



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Body Image, Established Relationship, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-11
Updated: 2012-08-11
Packaged: 2017-11-11 23:01:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/483856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerbutterfly/pseuds/summerbutterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Response to the saiyuki_kinks prompt: <i>Body acceptance. Hakkai is self-conscious about his looks, but to Gojyo, he'll always be hot.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Unconditional

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for brief mentions of bondage/sensory deprivation, and body image issues that might be mildly triggery.

The way he was hunched over, arms curled around his knees, reminded Gojyo far too much of those first few days. The ones after Hakkai (still Gonou then) had woken up to realize that any and all movement required the help of a total stranger. He’d almost ripped his stitches in his desperate attempt to avoid any kind of touch, and Gojyo didn’t even want to think about how rough it had been convincing Hakkai he wasn’t strong enough yet to bathe on his own. Weeks later, Hakkai had told him it had been shame. That he hadn’t wanted Gojyo to see the scar or be marred Hakkai’s uncleanness. And Gojyo had accepted the explanation. 

But now, without that barrier of unfamiliarity between them, the posture seemed odd.

“Hakkai?” he said. “You okay, man?” 

Hakkai didn’t answer, so Gojyo came in. “Hakkai...?” 

“I heard you,” Hakkai said. “And I’m fine.”

“Yeah?” Gojyo went over to the bed, sitting down behind Hakkai’s curved back and touching the cowlick on the edge of Hakkai’s temple. The hair was sticking straight out, the way it did after he’d woken up from a deep asleep and Gojyo curled it around his index finger with a small smile.

“Yes,” Hakkai said. “So you may go. I’d like to be alone.”

“Um, okay. Where should I go?” 

“Back to doing whatever it was you were going to do before you came in here.”

“Before I came in here, I was on my way to the kitchen to grab a beer.”

“Then I think you should go do that.”

“Hakkai...”

“Please, Gojyo. Get out.” 

Gojyo drew back. After close to six years, he was used to Hakkai’s mood swings. And he’d even gotten pretty good at predicting them. But today, there were none of the usual triggers. No rain, no well-meaning housewife trying to hook Hakkai up with her daughter. Just a warm breeze and late afternoon sunshine and the smell of jasmine flowers emanating from Hakkai’s tea garden.

“Hm,” Gojyo mused and, instead of getting up, he actually laid back, folding his arms behind his head. “You know what? A beer doesn’t sound so great after all. I think I’d rather hang out in here.”

Hakkai sighed. “Because it’s contrary to my wishes?”

“No, because I’m feeling a little sleepy. Let’s take a nap.” 

“I’m not in the mood.” 

“Not even if I let you blindfold me?” Gojyo grinned. Lately, Hakkai had been really into sensory deprivation games- blindfolding, tying Gojyo’s hands- and topping from the bottom, riding Gojyo until he made himself come, his tiny whimpers like music to Gojyo’s ears.

But even that didn’t seem to be what Hakkai was after today.

“I don’t want to nap,” Hakkai said. “I don’t want to have sex or mess around. I just want you to let me be. Can you do that, please?” 

“All right, all right.” Gojyo sat up. “If you’re that serious about it, I’ll go. Do you want me to leave the house?”

“I...no. You can do whatever you want just...not in here.”

“Fine. I’ll be in the other room.”

“Fine.”

Gojyo rolled off the bed. Hakkai didn’t turn around as he exited the room, and he heard the door slam as he grabbed a beer and settled himself on the tiny couch. The corners of his mouth pulled down into a frown. Whatever was eating Hakkai was pretty bad, but he knew asking would only cause more strife. Hakkai would or would not tell him on his own time, and for all Gojyo knew, it could be over in a few hours. 

So he settled in to wait it out, sipping his beer, idly flipping through a random magazine.

The afternoon shadows grew long. 

***

He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew, his beer was warm, the room was dark and he could hear the sound of the shower running. Groggy, he pushed himself to a sitting position and blinked at the sliver of light gleaming out from under the bathroom door. Hakkai was up. This was good. This meant that the funk was over, or it had at least subsided enough to ensure that Hakkai would be acting human again in time for dinner. Which was also good because sleeping had worked up Gojyo’s appetite. He pondered maybe cooking, but that new dumpling place down the street would be quicker. And better. And Hakkai loved Maya-chan’s dumplings. Not only that, Gojyo taking the initiative to provide for them would cheer Hakkai up even more. 

Settled on his plan, Gojyo strode across the room.

“Hey, Hakkai,” he called, opening the door. “I was thinking of running down to Maya’s for dinner, you want any...”

The qi hit him so hard he smacked into the wall. Dazed, he tried to breathe, but it felt like something was wrapped around his middle, squeezing like a vice. Eyes bulging, he stared at Hakkai who, for a very disconcerting moment, looked angry enough to kill. 

But then the pressure eased and Hakkai went back to looking stone faced, damp hair sticking up in all directions as he peered out from behind the shower curtain.

“Sorry,” Hakkai said without sounding sorry. “You startled me.”

“Right, yeah.” Gojyo rubbed the back of his head where a lump was already starting to form. “So you _don’t_ want dumplings then?”

“Is that what you were asking?”

“Uh, yeah. I just thought...” Distracted for a moment by the line of Hakkai’s naked silhouette, Gojyo had to remind himself he came in here to ask about dinner, not to have sex. “I just thought I’d go grab something and give you the night off. Since you seem...kinda down.”

“That’s very thoughtful of you, but I’m not hungry. Please just get something for yourself.”

“You sure? You haven’t eaten all day.”

“It’s warm. The heat is tempering my appetite. Please go ahead without me.”

Gojyo’s eyes narrowed. He may have been slow on the uptake at times, but that sounded like an excuse if he’d ever heard one. Pushing away from the wall, he stepped closer to where Hakkai was hiding. 

Hakkai shrank back.

“You’re sure you’re all right?” Gojyo tried to look around the curtain, but Hakkai withdrew even further, pulling the curtain with him. “No offense, but you seem really fucked up today and I’m starting to get concerned.”

Hakkai was silent for a moment, and then flashed Gojyo one of his most insincere smiles. “It’s nothing,” he promised. “Honest. I’m just...I guess it just hit me today how much life has changed since we’ve come home and it’s a little disconcerting.”

“You mean staying in one place? Yeah, it’s been a little weird, but I thought you liked it. You’ve been so...I dunno...domestic.”

Aside from planting the tea garden, Hakkai had gone out and bought them new dishes. Nice ones that matched and everything. And he’d redone their bedroom, hanging curtains and sweeping out cobwebs and even adding a throw rug over the hardwood entryway floor. But best of all, Hakkai had started to lose some of the gauntness he’d acquired on the journey. His cheeks were less hollow, his ribs less prominent, and his ass- Gojyo shivered as he thought about it. His as had become pleasingly round. Soft, and cushiony. Gojyo didn’t mention it, but he found Hakkai’s new ass incredibly sexy, and loved to rub against it just to feel the give that hadn’t been there before. 

“Yes, well, perhaps that was just something to quell the restlessness.” Hakkai had gone all the way back behind the curtain and was shutting off the water. “It’s hard for me to sit still. Especially after moving around for so long.”

A questing hand reached out, pulling a towel from the edge of the sink. Hakkai emerged, tightly wrapped, arms crossed for good measure. 

“Which reminds me,” he went on, “I’ve been thinking we need to take break from the sexual side of our relationship. We spend entirely too much time stripping each other naked and playing in bed and that’s not productive.” 

Stunned, Gojyo could only stare. “Are you fucking with me?” he asked. “Where did that come from, and what the hell could possibly be bad about wasting time stripping each other naked?” 

“Gojyo, we’re adults. We need to think about reinstating ourselves as productive members of society.” Hakkai pushed back his wet bangs. “I need to get a job. You need to go back to having your evenings out. It’s been nice nesting and all, but we can’t go on like this. It’s not healthy.”

Gojyo didn’t want to admit, even to himself, how much that hurt. Here he was, happier than he’d ever been, and Hakkai was telling him that such happiness was unhealthy. That he needed to go back to whoring and gambling because spending time with someone he cared deeply for just wasn’t _adult_ enough.

Gojyo’s fingers flexed and curled themselves into a fist. “You know, if you want to stop sleeping together, you could just say as much. I’d prefer that to this bullshit that you’re spouting about wanting me to go back to sleeping my way through Shangri-la.”

“Well, variety _is_ the spice of life, is it not?”

Hakkai stepped over the lip of the tub. To get out of the room, he’d have to squeeze past Gojyo, but Gojyo wasn’t ready for this conversation to be over, and he blocked the door.

“That’s all you have to say?” he demanded. “Really?” 

“Yes,” Hakkai said. “Now please excuse me...”

“No. Not until you’re honest with me. What is going on in your head? Why are you acting like this?”

“Like what?”

“Like a violated...”

Gojyo stopped. 

Hakkai stared at him. “Like _what_ , Gojyo?” 

Virgin, Gojyo thought. A violated virgin. Someone who’d never undressed in front of their partner before. Someone who was self-conscious and a little bit insecure. Someone who thought they just didn’t measure up...

“Fuck,” he said. “No way.” 

Hakkai continued to glare, but it was all falling into place. Hakkai was cutting him off again. Going out of his way to create a physical and emotional barrier. 

“Hakkai,” Gojyo said again. “Do you...”

But Hakkai really pushing past him now. Hard enough that Gojyo’s shoulder hit the doorframe. In retaliation, Gojyo grabbed the edge of Hakkai’s towel. There was a loud rip and Hakkai staggered, falling to his knees as the towel fell away.

Gojyo hauled him up, pushing him into the wall and holding him there.

Their eyes met.

Hakkai looked livid.

“What’s wrong?” Gojyo demanded. “Tell me right now!”

Hakkai’s gaze was ice. “You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed,” he said. “I know you have.”

“Noticed what?”

“My _body_ , Gojyo. In just three months, I’ve turned into a chubby housewife.”

“A _what_?” Gojyo was incredulous. Did Hakkai _really_ think that? Had he never noticed the type of women Gojyo used to bring home? Gojyo loved a voluptuous body and a pair of curvy hips. And Hakkai may not be feminine in his current state but he’d certainly gotten a hell of a lot more delicious now that he was well fed.

“I’m fat, Gojyo. Pudgy. Nothing fits, everything’s tight. I’ve let the waist out on all of my old pants at least twice and I can’t seem to curve this horrible sweet tooth I’ve developed. It’s getting worse and worse, and lying around all day sipping tea and having sex with you isn’t getting me back into fighting shape. If nothing else, it’s making me even more pathetic than I already am.” 

Gojyo continued to gape. This was really happening, and he could have kicked himself for not seeing it before. Didn’t he pride himself on being able to read his partners? Had he really been so focused on his own desires that he’d been oblivious to Hakkai’s pain? The blindfolding and the handcuffs hadn’t been about kink; they’d been about keeping Gojyo at arms length.

Because he thought he was fat. 

“Hakkai,” he said, “you’re not fat. You’re not even close.”

“Says the man blessed with high metabolism.” 

“Hakkai, I mean it. I’m not going to lie and say I hadn’t noticed you’ve filled out a little, but it suits you. It’s gorgeous. You look...” His hand ghosted over Hakkai’s hip. “You look like you but twice as sexy.” 

“You shouldn’t humor me.”

“I’m not! I mean it. Honest. I wouldn’t lie to you, Hakkai. Your ass alone turns me on more than anything has a right to.”

The hand on Hakkai’s hip moved toward said ass, smoothing and kneading. The supple muscle rippled, gliding under Gojyo’s fingers and Gojyo suddenly wanted to see it. Wanted to watch it move as he took Hakkai from behind.

Inside his pants his cock twitched.

Hakkai raised an eyebrow.

Gojyo smiled crookedly. “See?” he said. “There’s proof right there. All I have to do is touch it and I get hard.”

Hakkai pinked, but still looked unconvinced. “Maybe so, but even you have to admit it doesn’t take much to get you aroused. And I am standing here wet and naked...”

“Oh, I know. I am _very_ aware of how wet and naked you are.” There was a drop of condensation hovering on the tip of Hakkai’s nipple. Gojyo leaned down and licked it. “It’s making me want to get wet and naked with you and then see how much that ass of yours can really take.” 

Hakkai shivered. Unable to resist, Gojyo licked again, flicking his tongue over the hardening nub, and tasting the clean of Hakkai’s skin. Hakkai’s chest was another part of him that had filled out. No more concave breastbone, Hakkai’s pecs were rich and round, and Gojyo slid his tongue along the edge of one, nipping the ridge with his teeth. He kneaded Hakkai’s ass a little harder, drawing their hips together and the way Hakkai’s cock plumped made him hot with the desire to fuck, right there, right now, Hakkai’s hang-ups be damned.

But he was too much the gentleman to treat Hakkai like that.

“You wanna see something hot?” Gojyo adjusted himself and pulled Hakkai closer. “I’ll show you the hottest damn thing you’ll ever see.”

“What’s that?” Hakkai asked.

“Face the wall and I’ll show you.”

Hakkai turned slowly. As he did, Gojyo used his foot to kick the bathroom door closed. There was a full-length mirror on the back, installed by Banri who loved to admire himself when he thought no one was looking. Gojyo had almost removed it when he left, but now he was glad he didn’t because it was perfectly suited to this purpose.

“Lean forward, push your ass back towards me.” 

“Gojyo...”

“Please? C’mon. Humor me.”

“Fine.”

Hakkai leaned, pressing his forearms against the wall. At that angle, just his lower half and Gojyo were visible in the mirror and Gojyo ran an admiring hand down Hakkai’s spine, watching Hakkai’s thickening cock hang down between his sleek legs. 

“Look at this,” Gojyo purred. He cupped Hakkai’s cheeks, massaging the muscle just so. The flesh quivered. “This is so beautiful, Hakkai. The shape, the size.” He pulled them apart just a little. “I could slide my dick right here, right between them without even fucking you and feel like the luckiest guy in the world.” 

Hakkai’s breathing picked up, and his eyes, wary before, darkened. 

“It’s such an amazing feeling,” Gojyo continued. “Like sliding between a woman’s breasts only better because it’s you, and you’re here and you’re alive and you want me.” 

His hips had begun to move of their own accord, and his covered erection nestled its way in, feeling the give of Hakkai’s body. 

“I love how you feel now. I love how strong and full your body has become. And I don’t care how many red bean cookies you eat, I’m going to find you hot regardless because you feel so good. You make me feel so good. You make me not want anyone else.”

He was rocking faster now, faster than he should be, but it was impulsive. One hand reached around to fondle Hakkai’s cock so he could join in the pleasure.

Hakkai whimpered. 

“Gods, yes,” Gojyo murmured. “You see it now? You see how sensual you look when you move? Oh Hakkai. Gods, Hakkai. You are so beautiful.” 

He was going to come. Just like this. The great Sha Gojyo, Sultan of Sex, was going to come just by performing frottage on his lover’s incredible ass. 

Could life get any better?

“Oh Hakkai,” he said again. “Oh fuck, yeah. Yeah.”

Hakkai let out a small moan and Gojyo felt something warm coat his fingers. As if on cue, his body followed suit, spilling come all over the inside of his pants. It was a small orgasm, not enough to satisfy but enough to whet his appetite, and he let go of Hakkai only long enough to strip himself and pull Hakkai to a standing position.

Skin to skin, he ground himself into Hakkai’s back.

Beautifully flushed, Hakkai met his eyes in the mirror. 

“Right here?” he murmured, and it almost sounded as if he was asking permission. 

Gojyo kissed Hakkai’s neck. “Yeah. Yeah, right here.” It would be a hard angle, but he’d make it work. “You need to see how hot you look. You’re so sexy, Hakkai.”

Eyes on the mirror, Hakkai touched his stomach, tracing around the slight curve. It was nothing, in Gojyo’s opinion, to be ashamed of as it made the ridges of Hakkai’s hips less harsh and more supple, just the way Gojyo liked. And he went to say as much but then he realized Hakkai was touching his cock, sliding his finger through the dampness and bringing it to his lips. Pink tongue swirled around the tip and then Hakkai tilted his head back and touched Gojyo’s lips. Gojyo shuddered all over, licking Hakkai’s mouth. 

“I love you,” Hakkai whispered. Gojyo’s heart clenched. “I love you, and I’m terrified you’re going to leave me.”

“Never.” Gojyo pulled him close. Nudging aside Hakkai’s finger, he kissed him soundly, deeply. “Never. I’m not...no. And never for something as petty as how you think you look.”

“I’m sorry. I just...I didn’t...”

“Forget it, it doesn’t matter.” Gojyo’s fingers dug into Hakkai’s sides. “I don’t care. I’m not leaving you, ever. Okay?”

“All right.” 

And the relief was palpable. The way Hakkai relaxed in his arms was heartbreaking in its own right and Gojyo looked at the mirror as he lifted Hakkai from the floor. 

“You know what?” he said. “Let’s save this for another time. Right now, we need to be in a bed, fucking each other’s brains out, not playing kinky games.”

“You think?” Hakkai wound his arms around Gojyo’s neck. His damp hair brushed Gojyo’s shoulder and for a moment Gojyo felt like a God. 

“Yeah,” he said. “So...I’m going to carry you there. Naked. And I’m going to make you ride me with no blindfold and no handcuffs.” 

“Okay.”

“And then we’re going to switch and you are going to fuck me properly, you got it?”

“If you insist.”

“I do.” Gojyo kissed his nose. A sappy, gooshy gesture that he wasn’t about to take back. “And if that’s not enough, we’ll repeat the process until you fully understand you will always be beautiful to me. Understood?”

“Understood.” Hakkai nestled into Gojyo’s arms. “And...thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Gojyo said. “Now, shut up and kiss me.”


End file.
